TRAPPED IN MY HEAD


I never know whether to talk about my personal life on here. I'm always torn between wanting to keep it private and dealing with it alone or to share it with you all. I feel like when we present this version of ourselves online- we want it to be the best version of ourselves.
That is very much what I do, here on my blog and on my other social media accounts. What you see is the best part of me. But I think it's important that you know, I'm not like that all the time- far from it! I'm a person whose life isn't always clothes, shopping and talking all things goth. Sometimes I don't feel happy and I feel alone and right now I really don't feel my best self.

Over the past few weeks I haven't felt okay- I feel upset, anxious and I just want to crawl into a ball and cry. I'm not quite sure why this has come on suddenly, I think part of it is stress related and I have a lot going on in my head at the minute. It's happened before and I'm sure it will happen again. The voice in my head is fucking poisonous at the minute and I just don't feel good enough for anything- teaching, blogging, as a person. The worst part about all of this is that you can't escape your own thoughts. I feel trapped inside my own head.


A main way this has affected me is that I just feel really alone at the minute. I feel as if no-one cares and that everyone hates me. I've been like this for a lot of my life. I've never had many friends and I have this habit of pushing people away because I went through some issues growing up and now I'm cautions of people. I don't let people get close to me. I keep a lot to my chest and there's so much people don't know about me. But, I don't know how to let people in. I've done it in the past and been hurt for it. I guess it's one of the reasons I've never been in a relationship either. I'm so guarded and over-protective of my feelings. I still get social anxiety and part of that is me overthinking and overanalysing every single detail of a situation. At the moment I constantly worry that my friends don't like me or that they hate me. I worry what everyone thinks of me or if they are talking about me behind their backs. I convince myself that everyone hates me because I'm not good enough and it's my fault. I worry my blog posts aren't good enough, my photography is shit and that maybe I should just give up because my blog isn't good enough.

I just feel really down at the minute and things are pretty hard. Whilst I don't like letting my guard down and letting people see the problems I'm having, I think it's incredibly important to let you know I'm not always the person you see online. Nobody is! We all have individual problems that I feel we've all be conditioned to see as a bad thing. I feel awful right now and completely not my best self, but I don't have to be my best self all the time and I don't want to feel like I have to hide that.

I have a rash around my eyes so makeup has been a no-no this week! But I thought you should see how I look 90% of the time...
I don't want anyone to think I'm doing this for attention or sympathy (you see over analysing and worrying, again!). All I'm hoping is that some of you- even if it's just one of you! Might relate to this post and these feelings and I want you to know it's okay not to have your shit together 100% of the time! You see those people on Twitter and Instagram who seem perfect and you want to be like them- well they most likely aren't as perfect as you think!

But we don't have to be perfect, we just have to be honest with ourselves.

Till next time,
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16 comments :

  1. Always here for you, beaut! Love you so much xo

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  2. I'm exactly the same in overthinking how much I want to share on my blog! We're all here for you though Robyn xx

    Morgan // www.justmorgs.com

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  3. I feel the same way! You're definitely not alone here. Sending my love ❤️

    Terri // www.territalks.co.uk

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  4. I really relate to this post. I went through a time where I felt I was worth nothing, I had reach rock bottom and couldn't get back on track. but I was never alone so it was good. xx corinne

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  5. Sending you so much love, girlie! I also suffer with anxiety so I know how difficult things can be sometimes. I also think it's great and inspiring that you've been brave enough to write such an honest post <3
    Juliet | notcapulet.co.uk

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  6. Thank you for being so open and honest by sharing this! I've been having a rough go lately too and its comforting to know 1) you're not alone and 2) it's going to get better. You're blog is lovely and I'll definitely be back!
    xoxo, Sarah
    lifestartzhere.com

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  7. Great honesty post - props to you for writing on this. A big struggle of mine is writing about anything remotely personal. It takes guts and bravery for sure. We're all human, I have dark periods of my life, and happy ones. Currently not in the past phase either, I am really trying to find my way and get out of my house, I don't want to continue living with my parents, quite frankly, it's not the best environment. So, trying to find my way and get the hell out of there, in the mean time, trying to stay as positive as I can and focus on things that bring me joy. Be strong, you got this!

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  8. I'm really sorry you're feeling like this but you are not alone.
    And it's great that you're speaking out. I know so many people will be able to relate to this.

    Louisa | Loubee Lou Blogs

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  9. I feel like this a lot too! Sometimes it is just better to take a break and have a duvet day watching films to get back in the right frame of mind. Hope you feel better soon lovely :) x

    www.bisoushollyolivia.co.uk

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  10. Darling you rock and its so great you can talk about these things on ere. I have dabbled a little bit but find the posts too hard to write. You have an amazing community around you that are always here to listen and be there for you x
    Lola Mia // www.lolitabonita.co.uk

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  11. Oh I completely understand you! I have these days too. Last week I just couldn't shake it off and I laid in bed ALL day feeling so depressed. When I sink in to one of those moods, something which really helps me is to get outside! I know it's a challenge when you're crying in bed in your pajamas, but just going for a walk can do you so much good.

    Remember that you are brilliant! A thought is a thought. Try not to let them trick you in to thinking you're worthless because you're far from! If you feel trapped in your head, there's nothing worse than sitting in a box of a bedroom. You need to get outside because when you can see far in to the distance, it makes you feel less trapped :) - I should also add that I actually went for a jog for the first time in my life yesterday and it really helped my mood. It made me feel motivated and while I was running, it ws like I was pushing through those negative emotions. Give it a try <3

    Always here if you need a chit chat!

    Rosie Mauu

    creatinghappyminds.wordpress.com

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  12. I was always so torn whether to get personal on my blog, i've started a bit, but never too deep, although I'm really thinking about it after reading this. I 100% relate to this, I've had one of the worst months and it's starting to take a toll on my mentality, because sometimes it's just so bloody hard to keep positive. Hope you feel better soon xx

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  13. I'm completely the same, you're not alone! Here if you need a chat ❤️

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  14. Girl, anyone who reads this will totally understand, and know that this is not something you should be ashamed about. These feelings are normal, and they occur. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but it's always important to remember the positives in our lives, and that weathering the storm will be worth it in the end. I hope you feel better soon, and be sure to take care of yourself!

    Joanne | https://fung-shui.com

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  15. Oh I completely understand, when i first started to blog i thought it was best to just keep it to myself but im over that now. If I'm having a struggle I'll say, because there will always be someone else feeling the same.
    Great read lovely, well done for sharing.
    Emily-May x

    www.theaurasoflife.blogspot.co.uk

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  16. Thank you for sharing this! I think its important that we all remember that the 'online persona' is exactly what you described - the good times, the best of the best, the 'highlight reel' - and that even the people who look the most put together and 'with it' online face hard times too!

    Britt | http://alternativelyspeaking.ca/

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