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10 February 2018


Something I find myself constantly struggling with is how much I share about my personal life online. There's always this worry that when you talk about your personal life, particularly when it's not going so well, that you'll be seen as an attention seeker. But on the other hand, not saying anything, not talking about life as it is can almost be just as damaging. Feeding into the idea of a "perfect life" hiding the negative and creating almost a persona of a perfect life is fake, nobody's life is perfect! I would rather embrace every aspect of my life and use my blog as a platform to feel free to talk about all of it - the good and the bad.

The truth is I just haven't been myself recently. Over the past few weeks I've felt low, anxious and I'm just finding life really hard at the minute. I've started to have pretty bad panic attacks and I have no idea why or how I can prevent them. I used to suffer pretty bad with anxiety and really low self esteem as a teen and I just feel like I'm back to that girl I didn't think I was anymore. I'm being really critical towards myself - how I look, what I create here on my blog and about myself in general. The voice in my head is poisonous and as much as I'm trying to stay positive... it's really difficult. It's beginning to have an effect on my everyday life and is stopping me from doing things and I hate it! I've always been the kind of person to focus on the one negative in a million positives, particularly when it comes to how I see myself - I just don't feel I'm any good at anything right now. The hardest part about all of this for me is the feeling of failure. I feel like I've made three steps forward to take five backwards and it sucks. It's the worst to finally feel happy with yourself and your life only to be knocked back to feeling like nothing. I thought I was over these feelings of anxiety and self criticism, but I guess not.

What I am learning instead is that not every day is going to be a good day. Before, I would feel so low about not feeling like myself and get caught up in feeling so down and anxious that it would consume me, but I'm determined to not let that happen this time. I'm accepting that I'm not going to feel like my usual self straight after I have these negative thoughts, that it's going to take time to get back to the person I know I am and you know what, that's okay. It's okay to not want to get out of bed. It's okay to not feel like my best self every day. It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel a bit shit. It's okay to not be okay.

I didn't want to post these photos because the voice in my head is telling me that my body looks weird, that I look chubby and everyone will hate them but this is my way of trying to not listen to that voice. Instead I'm choosing to remember how I felt when these photos were shot and edited because a few weeks ago loved them! These photos were taken at a time when I felt a lot happier and a lot more like the person I know I am. The person I'm working so damn hard to get back to being. But for now, it's going to take a little bit of time and a lot of self love and that is completely okay.

Till next time,
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  1. It's awful that you feel like for the past weeks but I just wanted to let you know how brave you are for sharing. I totally agree -- it's okay to feel bad.
    Also, I really love your eye makeup! And I honestly believe anyone who could pull off an all-black outfit is badass! ��

    xx Kate | https://allthetrinkets.wordpress.com

  2. Feel hugged! There are so many people that feel the same. When I realised my anxiety attacks became more and more serious, it really helped me reading about others feeling the same. The biggest step was to understand that something is not alright with me anymore.
    I really admire posts like these. They encourage others to "embrace" their anxiety as a part of them, which in my opinion really helps to understand the anxiety in itself. In the beginning I was always thinking I would suffer a heart attack, like "that's it - I'm dying. 25 years and gone for good!" Now I understand when anxiety comes around the corner and I try to focus on breathing steadily to not let the thoughts win over my body.

    "It's beginning to have an effect on my everyday life and is stopping me from doing things and I hate it!" 100 % me! I started to use really weird routes to get to my workplace just to avoid situations I am scared of. (Fortunately I start to get better at the moment).

    "It's okay to not be okay." Definitely. Especially in social media we see these perfect life's everywhere. But if you ask around, if you ask the persons behind the perfect images, I bet almost all of them can tell a story about a low point in their life.
    I once read an article about mental health and it said that 80 % of humankind at least once suffered from a mental disorder in their life, which basically makes it more normal to have some struggles than actually being "normal"! :) What's normal anyway?

    Thanks for sharing the thoughts (and also for the gorgeous photos! I really love your style!)

  3. First of all you look fabulous in all those photos so I'm glad you posted them. Secondly as someone who struggles with mental illness I always appreciate it when people write about it. You're never alone.💜


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