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30 May 2018


It can be hard to remember that sometimes our online selves are very different to our real selves. Online I feel like I come across as a pretty confident and social person - with photos of me at events or interacting with other bloggers. However, that couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, I am one of the loneliest people I know.
I don't have many friends, have never been in a relationship and pretty much spend every weekend alone chilling with my dog, which is definitely not a bad thing! It can just feel very isolating and can sometimes get pretty overwhelming. I often feel like I'm wasting my life away sitting at home but I have no one to make plans with or worry that this is how the rest of my life is going to be - me feeling lonely. Having time to yourself is great and I am the kind of person that does like and needs time on her own... but having it all the time can be draining.

Part of the problem is that I don't really have any friends - I don't talk to anyone from school, haven't kept in contact with anyone from uni and the few friends I do have don't live locally to me. I've always struggled to make and maintain friendships, ever since I was young. I've come to realise that the main reason I don't have a lot of friends and spend a lot of time feeling alone is because of me. It's my own fault. I push people away. I don't let people get close to me. I isolate myself from others. I reject other peoples friendship. All for fear of being hurt. I've had some pretty bad experiences with relationships - both friendships and otherwise and I guess each time I built a bigger wall to try and protect myself. I've been burnt so many times by friendships that I guess subconsciously it was easier to just shut people out. I have trust issues, am defensive, am really selfish and lack sympathy and I guess I'm not a very good friend. I never had those experiences to learn how to be a good friend to someone so I struggle to use those skills in friendships I try to make now.

I have probably suffered with anxiety a lot longer than I like to think, it's only really in the past year that I've come to accept and be open about my issues with anxiety. My anxiety is usually triggered by social situations and my brain making me feel nervous that people are looking and staring at me. My anxiety does make socializing difficult and I guess in a way I find it easier to just hide in my room behind a screen. For me, it feels safer and a situation I can control more, but it's isolating and lonely as hell! I don't want to spend the rest of life feeling like I don't have any friends or destroying the friendships I do have like I constantly have done throughout my life.

Dress - H&M // Boots - Dr Martens // Pendant - CarterGore // Tights - Primark 

So, where do I go from here? Trying to undo years of bad habits and isolating myself is going to take some time. I need to stop isolating myself from people who genuinely want to be my friend. I need to understand my trust issues and let people in more. I need to cope with my anxiety and find a solution that isn't me hiding in my bedroom for the rest of my life. I need to cope with feeling alone and change it by getting out there and maybe making and maintaining some more friendships. How I'm going to do this? I have no idea but I guess I'll have to figure it out!

Till next time,
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  1. I agree, sometimes the internet is a lonely place. But if you ever need someone to talk to, or rant to or maybe just someone to call a friend. I'd be more than happy to be of assistance!

    P.s I love your tshirt dress in these pictures!

    Kayla xo

  2. I totally agree with this. Even in the real world I think a lot of people think I'm confident and sociable even though I am completely the opposite. Even though I smile and say hello to people I wouldn't say that makes me sociable. In fact, I think it just means those interactions are meaningless. But in those moments, I appreciate my small groups. They may not be many but I feel like I can be more honest with them. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is that one good friend is enough. Don't doubt yourself if there isn't ten thousand people you could talk to because, the likelihood is, if there are that many people, they aren't really your friends. X


  3. I wish I could be friends with you! I'm also an anxiety goth ^^


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