16 July 2018

FAKE HAPPY


Have you ever really struggled to put exactly how you feel into words and then listened to a song that does it so perfectly? For me, Fake Happy by Paramore couldn't be more relevant or explain how I've been feeling better than I could even imagine.


I've become more inactive on my blog and across my social media channels over the past couple of weeks. I have been on quite the emotional rollercoaster these past few weeks and I just feel that life is throwing my family and I some pretty tough obstacles! A few weeks ago I was diagnosed with high levels of anxiety and referred for CBT therapy. If I'm honest, I'm still trying to process it all. I have spent most of my teenage years and adult life so far trying to hide my anxiety from everyone. After pretending to be okay for so long, it still feels unreal to me that I'm admitting that I'm not okay and I need help. I've only just started saying the word out loud and using it about myself because I spent so long trying to convince myself I didn't have it and that there was nothing wrong with me. I guess in a way, I felt ashamed of this part of myself, maybe in some weird way I still do! It's difficult but I do feel like I'm slowly starting to accept this as part of who I am. The main change in my family's life has been that last week my younger sister (and photographer) Maddison was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. She has been in the hospital for over a week and isn't getting any better at the minute, which has put a huge amount of strain on us as a family. We are constantly spending our time at the hospital to be with her and it just isn't a good time for us. We are and have always been incredibly close so to see Maddison so ill and so unlike the sassy and fiery little girl we have always known is really difficult. Maddison is one of my best friends and I really do miss having her around. I wish I could go to the hospital to visit her more but the hospital is also a huge trigger for my anxiety and panic attacks, so I'm finding it really difficult to go and see her.

There are a number of reasons I haven't been active on blogging and social media - Maddison usually shoots all my photos and she's in hospital so can't do that at the minute, I've had to take on some extra responsibilities so am super busy at the minute helping my parents out but more than all that, being online just feels really fake. I'm not happy and constantly feeling the pressure to convey that my life is perfect and that I'm happy all the time when I'm not is exhausting, especially when at the minute life is utter shit. I haven't been scheduling tweets or wanting to create content because it just all felt a bit fake. There have been days where I've struggled to get out of bed let alone getting dressed to go and shoot blog photos! I felt like I was having to put on a front - to be fake happy. When you live your life online there is this huge expectation that you have to have your life together and everything has to be happy and positive all the time and well, it's not. I don't want to come across like I'm complaining or being a bit of a dark presence online so I thought it was best to just... disappear for a while. To take a break because pretending to be happy all the time was making me feel like an imposter. Social media can be amazing but it can also be a really dark place of self doubt, self criticism and feeling like a bit of a fake. I've learnt that over the past few weeks, it can be really draining to feel pressured to pretending you're happy and everything is perfect when in reality it couldn't be further from the truth.








Jumpsuit - Urban Outfitters // Shoes -Converse 

I feel like the worst of it is over and I am starting to feel lighter and more positive again. I'm excited to get back into blogging and creating content but I definitely feel like my outlook on social media and the blogging industry in general has changed. I have my priorities set and I refuse to feel like a fake again. It's time for a bit of honesty. We are all fake happy and it's okay to admit feeling happy can be hard. It's okay to not be happy.

Till next time,

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