5 September 2018

"OBSESSION WITH PERFECTION"


I have been going through quite a lot recently, that I feel like I'm finally ready to open up about on my blog and share this part of my life. Mental health is something I feel needs to be spoken about more in general because it's definitely more common than most people think but also one of the most isolating and lonely things you can go through as a person.


I feel like I have been struggling with my mental health for the past seven years, however, it is such an intense struggle it feels like so much longer! Over the past few months, I finally reached out for help and have officially been diagnosed with anxiety and am on a waiting list for therapy. During my assessment I was also told by the mental health team that I have an "obsession with perfection" and I never knew this was a real problem but it made so much sense when she was explaining to me - it was like everything finally clicked into place! I've been thinking and reflecting on this and how this has been something I've probably been struggling with for years, without ever really knowing it.

I have always been a perfectionist. Going all the way back to when I was at school, I was never happy with how I did or the grade I got unless it was the top mark or the best piece of work. I never felt truly happy or like I was clever enough unless it reflected in my grades. I didn't do badly at school - my grades were pretty good, I did my A Levels and got into uni and I graduated with a first - yet I still feel like I could have done more - been better or tried harder in some way. I always put 110% effort into everything I do. I literally pour my heart and soul into every aspect of my life - my job, my blog, my appearance. I'm definitely not saying that being a perfectionist is a bad thing. Always wanting to do your best, striving to continually improve and grow is really admirable and such a fantastic quality to have as a person. However, I've learnt that there is a difference between being a perfectionist and being obsessed with perfection. Sometimes you can cross the line into quite a dangerous territory. You can become fixated on this need for perfection in every part of your life, becoming so caught up on trying to make sure everything is perfect that it can soon take over your entire life and leave you feeling so empty. Being so fixated on making sure everything meets your insanely high expectations is draining and absolutely soul destroying.

My need for perfection often takes over my life. I will sit and scrutinise every single thing I do. I would rewrite entire assignments because I didn't feel like they were as good as they could be, I actually left uni one day because I had misread my grade, thought I had failed and went home hysterically crying, ringing my mum to tell her I failed, wasn't good enough to stay and wanted to leave... before realising I'd actually gotten a first. I know, I suck. My job means I spend a lot of time preparing lessons and pre planning what I need to teach. It's pretty common that I will be changing a perfectly good lesson at 3am in the morning because for me, it's not good enough and I feel like I can make it better. I have reshot blog photos countless times because they aren't perfect or good enough and I don't feel like I look good enough in them. The main source of my obsessive perfection tendencies are definitely linked to how I look. I will spend hours criticising every part of my appearance and I spend an unhealthy amount of time trying to change how I look in my obsessive quest to look perfect. My tattoos and piercings, how I do my makeup and the clothes I wear are all my way of trying to feel better about myself - to look a certain way so I can feel happy with how I look. It's so unhealthy and damaging but, I don't know how to stop. I look into surgery, I force myself to stop eating and I don't know how to handle compliments because the perception I have of myself is so warped. The thing about being so obsessed with everything being perfect and needing to look perfect is it's unattainable. Nobody and nothing can ever be perfect. I know that, but I can't stop myself from needing that in my life. Ultimately, it leads to dejection, self loathing and feeling like a failure. Being "obsessed with perfection" has taken over my life for way too long and I know I need to change.









Black Strappy Tee - TopShop // Yellow Checked Trousers - LoveTooTrue // Shoes - Converse 

Finding out that I suffer with something I didn't even realise was a mental issue or part of my anxiety was like putting the final jigsaw puzzle into place. Everything I've been struggling with for years finally makes sense. I want to change. I need to change for my own happiness. I want to be okay with just being me. I want to put less pressure on myself and start enjoying my life again. I want to just breathe and live without worrying that something isn't good enough. I want to be feel good enough just being me.

Till next time,

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