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31 December 2018


With less than a week till the New Year all I can say is I am so glad this year is nearly over! 2018 has been filled with more setbacks, disappointment, tears, frustration and worry than any year I've ever had. If there is one thing this year has taught me, it's how hard and completely exhausting life can be.

I was taking a look back at the post I had written around this time last year about what I hoped 2018 would bring me and whilst 2018 hasn't been all bad, it has brought a lot of badness into my life. For the best part of this year, I have been struggling more than ever with my mental health. Last year I was in such a good and positive place, it felt good. This year, I feel like I've been thrown back into the pit of doom where it feels impossible to escape. It got to a point this year where I was struggling to manage it all on my own, which I've been able to do up to this point in my life. I booked myself in with my doctor who pretty much confirmed what I've known all along. Since then, I've been referred for CBT therapy and made the decision I never wanted to make to put myself on medication to help my mental health. It's helping for sure, but I still can't shake the black cloud that I currently feel I'm living under. One of the hardest things I've had to make peace with this year was my relapse with a coping mechanism I haven't done since I was a teen. I'm calling it a coping mechanism because even to say the word aloud makes me feel like a failure. My mental health has not been the best this year and I haven't felt like myself at all.

As a family, we have been through quite the tough ride this year. My younger sister was diagnosed with Crohn's earlier this year but has been ill a lot longer and at the beginning of the year was definitely when her health became a problem. This year she has had to go through so much including countless doctors visits, blood tests, hospital visits, different medication and she has been so incredibly brave. Having to watch someone you love go through so much pain and live with a condition that will effect then their entire life is harder than anything I've ever had to do. All you want to do is trade places, to take it away from them because you can see how much it is hurting them. It seems so unfair that at the age of 14 she should have to deal with so much, she has so much potential that could potentially be stopped because of her chronic illness. She is the strongest person I know and I can't imagine she would let anything stop her from getting in the way of what she wants. She is a true inspiration to me and I can't begin to put into words how proud I am of her.

I feel like 2018 was the year I let stress get the better of me. I feel like I'm trying to spin too many plates all at once and at any moment they could all come crashing down around me. I took on way too much this year and placed way too much pressure on myself. Along the way, I forgot that I am just one person that needs time. I guess I forgot that I'm not invincible and can't do everything. Paired with everything I had going on this year, I tried to stay busy instead of addressing how I was feeling. However, this only made everything worse. I was working pretty much non-stop. I wasn't taking time to relax, do the things I love or even look after myself like eating and sleeping. I feel like I sacrificed so much of myself this year and for what? To be miserable? To feel bad about myself? I let stress take over my entire life and it has left me leaving 2018 completely exhausted!

So, whilst I am glad to be leaving this year behind and start afresh I can't deny that this year has been a huge learning curve. I've learnt about what I need to do next year in order to rebuild my life and my happiness. All I want for 2019 is feel free. I want to be able to find what I've been struggling and failing to do this year - balance.

Till next time,
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  1. I've had one of the toughest years of my life too and it was so honest and refreshing to read this. I'm sorry about your sister and I'm sure she's such a fighter and you and your family will see this through and support her. I also really hope that you'll take better care of yourself this year, I know the feeling of wanting to keep busy and just ignore whatever's going on. But it's always better to face things head on and it's lovely to see that you acknowledge this. Here's to a great 2019 of learning to take care of ourselves more x


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