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27 April 2019


Something I’ve become more honest about on here is my mental health and how much of a struggle I can sometimes have with how I think and feel. I used to try so hard to put on a front and hide that part of who I was because to be honest, I didn’t want people to know. I was scared how people would react - whether they would treat me any different. It was almost as if talking about it made it more real, it meant I was accepting that I have a problem with my mental health. 

A couple of months ago I found myself in what I like to call “the pit”, everyone will have their own phrasing for describing the moment they feel trapped by their emotions and for me a dark pit seems the most fitting. Being stuck in the dark pit can feel never-ending. It’s like a permanent state of hopelessness, wondering if you will ever be able to find your way out of your despair. It’s a feeling that consumes your entire soul - your body, emotions and thoughts. It can slowly creep up on you, a little twinge of darkness that slowly but surely begins to take over your life or it can take over you all at once, leaving you completely unprepared for the darkness that has now taken over. When I think of the dark pit, these are two different states I find myself in.

I had dug myself so far into the pit that I really doubted whether I would be able to get myself back out. I was ready to give up. To surrender to the sadness and feelings of emptiness that consumed me every single day. It seemed easier than the alternative. I have had to fight against falling into the put every day since for so long that I was just exhausted. I was so tired of fighting against the overwhelming thoughts that push me into the pit, that a part of me wanted to just give in. To make a home in the pit and live in the darkness. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was at a point where I felt like I had tried everything - I’d been to speak to my doctor, I was on medication, I was taking CBT and just none of it was helping (if anything it was making me worse!). I was in a real state of hopelessness. 

Then I tried the one thing I have never been good at - looking after myself. I started putting myself first. Taking every day one day at a time, one breathe at a time. Telling myself one positive thing that had happened every day and holding onto that. I began to learn breathing and mindfulness techniques to help me think a little more positively. I reassessed the word self-care and what it meant to me. For me self care isn’t about indulgent pamper trips or taking a bath it’s about accepting myself and taking time out to become mentally stronger and happier. I’ve practiced this form of self care over the past few months and not only have I found myself out of the pit but I’ve found myself feeling mentally stronger and happier than ever before. I’m no longer on medication or seeking therapy because I don’t feel like I need it. I am at a point in my life now, where I feel the happiest I have ever been and a huge part of that has to do with how I now choose to look at my life and what is in it. I’ve become so much more grateful for the positive in my life because I’ve known the alternative. It’s given me a new perspective on life. 

Top - Urban Outfitters // Trousers - Topshop // Shoes - Converse // Watch - Adexe watches // Initial Necklace - Pull & Bear 

I’m not naive enough to believe that this is it. That I will never find myself in the pit again… but what I am sure of is I now have a better toolset to fight this battle. It can be so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you find yourself stuck in the pit and feeling so hopeless and ready to give up. What I do know is that if we fight against these feelings then we will win and every battle we face makes us stronger.

Till next time, 
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