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8 June 2019


*WARNING - This post features content that others may find triggering to their own mental health.*

This week has been one of my worst mental health weeks in a long while. I always think the worst part of falling of the wagon in a big way, is that feeling of being back at square one - of feeling like you were in a good place, able to balance and have clarity on how to handle it all and then out of nowhere, you have to start all over again. It definitely feels like a never ending battle. 

My mind has not been the kindest place to be this week and there have been moments where I’ve felt like I was falling apart. My mind was filled with so much hurt and anger that I then took it out on myself, something I haven’t done for months. When I get to this point, I know I’m at breaking point. I know things have built up to a point where I feel past control and in a place where I am so alone in how I feel and what I think about myself. I’ve never been the kindest to myself and this week has been pretty dark for me. The problem when you feel like this is that, we have to try to carry on and show the world that nothing is wrong. To hide behind a mask and attempt to carry on like “normal”. I have a pretty stressful job where no matter how bad my mental health is, I can’t let it show. I constantly feel like I’m wearing that mask - going through the motions of the day, holding everything in and dealing with situations that are probably making me feel even worse! I’ve been incredibly ill this week but because it was a mental health problem, I didn’t feel like I could take any time of when in reality I should have. 

In my personal experience, it doesn’t matter how much a person can try to understand how you feel and what exactly you’re going through - unless they’ve suffered with mental health problems themselves, there is no way they can possibly understand how much an impact this can have on your life. In the past, when I’ve spoken about my struggles with anxiety in particular, they often just assume I worry about things and that it’s all in my head. However, there are a ton of physical side effects of anxiety that have really kicked my ass this week. Currently, I am struggling to eat and even talk due to mouth ulcers and canker sores linked to the increase in stress and anxiety this week, my teeth and jaw are in so much pain because I have been involuntarily clenching or grinding my teeth for the majority of the week, heart palpitations, increased sweating, dry mouth and throat, my neck and shoulder muscles are in unbearable pain due to raised shoulders / feeling on edge all week - this has also led to me having constant headaches throughout the week. But, I feel the one that is by far the worst is how completely drained and exhausted I’ve felt all week but here’s the joke, my mind is in overdrive so I cant sleep even if I wanted to! This is without even touching on intrusive thoughts, low mood, feeling of self loathing and not feeling good enough and like a failure. There is so much about mental health that people are not aware of, yet we expect them to carry on, to just forget about it and think positive… 

Dress - H&M // Boots - Dr Martens // Watch (gifted) - ADEXE Watches // Rings - RocknRose, Regal Rose and Bloody Mary Metal // Necklaces - Pull & Bear and Cartergore (gifted) // Hair - Great Lengths

I needed a place to just mind dump everything I’ve been struggling with this week because sometimes it can be hard for me to talk about with people I know. It’s not that I haven’t tried, it’s that I feel they don’t understand or aren’t taking me seriously enough. It's like they can't understand how much of a hold this has on my life and sometimes on my ability to carry on. It’s so hard living with mental health struggles, especially when you felt like you had finally got it under control. I guess what I’m learning is that mental health is a journey - it will never go away and I’ll have set backs but what’s more important is that I keep moving forward, that I keep working on myself and improving my mental health, how I react to set backs and how I see myself. It’s time to take a step back, reset my brain clock and move forward to a better week. 

Till next time, 
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  1. It's very brave of you to share as much as you have with your readers.
    I am so sorry to read that you have been suffering so much with anxiety, frustration and depression,
    have been unable to let it show at work,
    and have been suffering physically problems, jaw and teeth pain and headaches as a result.
    Having suffered from anxiety and depression in the past myself I really do understand and sympathise.
    I hope you manage to find ways to take your frustrations out, and;
    The right people to share with and whatever you needing for physical and mental health, and self-love.
    Wishing you good sleep and pleasant fulfilling dreams going forward.
    I love the look of that pretty H+M dress!!!!!! You look absolutely gorgeous wearing it, and your hair, eye-makeup, lipstick, nails and nailpolish all look beautiful.
    Big hugs, xx <3

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  2. I hope next week is a better week for you, Robyn. xo


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